Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
