Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
