What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
