woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
