i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
