my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
