There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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