Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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