u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
