btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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