Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
