I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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