you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
