Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
