Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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