i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
