Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
