Moan for me like Helen Keller
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
