i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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