they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
3pm strippers are depressing
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
