come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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