you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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