Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
