I didn't shave. On purpose
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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