I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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