I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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