why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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