I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
