I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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