Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
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He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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