a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Boobs are out for the taking
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
