He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
