my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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