My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I need to sanitize my soul.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize