dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I am spending my child support on dildos
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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