hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
