I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
