i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
