I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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