Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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