dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
