New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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