The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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