No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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