Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
