Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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