Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
