and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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