I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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