I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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