I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
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gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
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I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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