She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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