I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
