Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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