I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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