420 ftw
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
