I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
