you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
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My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
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Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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