are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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