I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
